Oh, Frustration, How do you do? September 24, 2008

arrrrggg… so i had my follow up with my psychiatrist yesterday and things have not been going well these last few weeks. i’ve been using si more frequently than what i ever have in the last year and a half, and i started to slide backwards with my depression. a lot of this though has to do with my mother and all the stress from the arguments we get into. So the good news from my shrink is…. well there really isnt any good news to this…. the bad news is that she added another med to my “cocktail” and i have to go back in 2 weeks (ive never had to do that, its always been either 3 or 4) and if things arent better by then, then she is going to recommend me to the partial hospitalization program. FUCK! I do want to get better and get over this and i really dont think that it would be such a bad idea, but i cant afford to drive up there several times a week and i cant afford to take off so many days of work or miss my classes. 

on a brighter note, i am waiting to hear back from a low income housing apartment building to see if i can get a place there with my dog. i think that things would be so much more relaxed if i could move out, and a hell of a lot less stressful. 

well im off to bed cuz im exhausted from these last few days of staying up to burn the midnight oil and do my homework which i am desperately behind on.

Sleep Deprivation=Memory lapses June 25, 2008

Yeah, i know, second post in one day… i think… im so sleep deprived from getting up at 5 am to babysit that every day blends into the next and the events of each day are a total blur as to when they happened and how. im starting to get so confused with what day it is. one of the big kickers of being sleep deprived is when i get really angry from an argument or a chewing out, i forget my age and some other rhetorical information. i dont know what’s happening to me. honestly i think that im just really tired and lacking sleep, which is really messing me up. i need to talk to my therapist but she’s usually really busy at the end of the week. i feel almost like im going nuts.  after my boss chewed me out, i wanted to cut to badly… it was one of the strongest urges i have felt in a long time (no worries, i didnt do it). god, my memory is going to shit too with me being so tired and stressed/depressed all the time. 

my dog got fixed today and had his duclaws removed. the poor little guy is in so much pain that he can barely move. i feel so bad, i wish i could take his pain so he can be the active little pain free guy again. its hard seeing my baby puppy in so much pain and knowing i cant do anything to help. he just looks up at me with his sad eyes that start to fill with tears (yes real tears… my dog actually cries) then five min later the hair around his eyes are soaked and dripping. 

well im really tired and about to pass out on my keyboard.