Ivorymae's Random Thoughts

Oh, Frustration, How do you do?

ivorymae — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 03:17:54 +0000

arrrrggg… so i had my follow up with my psychiatrist yesterday and things have not been going well these last few weeks. i’ve been using si more frequently than what i ever have in the last year and a half, and i started to slide backwards with my depression. a lot of this though has to do with my mother and all the stress from the arguments we get into. So the good news from my shrink is…. well there really isnt any good news to this…. the bad news is that she added another med to my “cocktail” and i have to go back in 2 weeks (ive never had to do that, its always been either 3 or 4) and if things arent better by then, then she is going to recommend me to the partial hospitalization program. FUCK! I do want to get better and get over this and i really dont think that it would be such a bad idea, but i cant afford to drive up there several times a week and i cant afford to take off so many days of work or miss my classes.

on a brighter note, i am waiting to hear back from a low income housing apartment building to see if i can get a place there with my dog. i think that things would be so much more relaxed if i could move out, and a hell of a lot less stressful.

well im off to bed cuz im exhausted from these last few days of staying up to burn the midnight oil and do my homework which i am desperately behind on.

Short Post

ivorymae — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:05:04 +0000

So this last week has been pretty hectic. Wednesday, I went to see a psychiatrist in Omaha. It didn’t go too bad, but she increased the dose of my meds and im really wanting to get off of them because i don’t like being so medicated. The hour that i was in with her seemed to go so fast. Unfortunately, she didn’t figure out a diagnosis, which is okay, but i was hoping to figure out what im dealing with and take it head on. well my little sister came in to bug me for about an hour so i lost my train of thought… ill write more later

On the road to help

ivorymae — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:36:36 +0000

Okay, so friday was awesome! I got to hang out with great friends and be me. I got to take off my mask and not be afraid of judgement. But after a great day at the lakes, i come home and find another nasty note from my mother waiting for me in my room. She basically said that my dog needs to shape up and i need to put him in his “cage” (i hate that word, i prefer kennel) all the time. First of all, he doesnt need to shape up because he is very mature for a puppy. Really mature! And second, it’s inhumane to keep an animal locked up in a “cage” all the time. They need to be out to exercise, to run and play, to be petted and played with, and to socialize. And i just realized that by living in my parents house, i am living in a cage. They try to treat me as if i am still 10, but im not. I’m almost 20 and almost fully independent of them (im still dependent on health insurance and home insurance for my personal belongings). But she also said that if i dont follow their rules, (THEIR RULES!!! IM AN ADULT NOW!) they will get rid of my dog while im at work one day. My dog is really about the only thing that makes me smile anymore. I don’t draw, i don’t do my photography anymore, i dont write my poetry anymore, i dont do anything anymore. have i relapsed? or am i just stressed out and exhausted from dealing with my family life? I know that they can be a trigger for my depression, but i never knew that just my mom could be such a threatening trigger.

Next, are some issues that are really hard for me to talk about, and there is no need for alarm, so please, please, dont freak out when you read what follows.

On a different note, i saw my gp doc today and he’s been the one prescribing my meds. Well my therapist told me that i should let him in on my past history with depression and such. well i told him about how i tried to commit suicide 3 different times a year and a half ago (no worries, no such problems now) and that i started using self-mutilation/cutting as a frequent method of release at the beginning of my freshman year of high school, and still use it to this day but less often (more along the lines of every few months as opposed to the every few days i was doing it 4 to 5 years ago). i think that kinda freaked him out. he asked where i had done them (my upper arms and high up on my thighs) wanted to check the cuts i had already made and so he did. he saw my most recent one, and then looked at my other arm for more and all he said was yeah i can see you’ve done this before. He also checked my back and my legs but didn’t see the ones on my thigh cuz those, as well as my other ones, have completely healed. all that is left of them are faint, pale scars that blend in with my pale skin. he, as well as the few others who know, have been really concerned, and to me, the cutting is something i have grown used to. I dont mean to say that im not ashamed of what i do, because i really terribly am, but sometimes its the only way i can find relief. and again, no worries, because i havent used this for quite some time, nor do i plan on using it any time soon.

this is such a hard topic for me to talk about, so please dont be freaked out. it is part of the darker/darkest part of my past. again, please dont freak out.

well, it is getting late and i need to be up for work in the morning, and i have yet to take a shower. g’ night.

oh, p.s. i do have an appointment with my therapist thursday and im working on setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Laughing?

ivorymae — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:44:30 +0000

I just can’t figure out what is going on with me. I just can’t laugh at anything, no matter how funny. yeah sure i can get a chuckle out or maybe a few giggles, but that’s it. Well, not much to say, or just not motivated enough to do so…. I need to call my therapist and set up a time to see her next week. so much shit has happened this week, and i know that i can handle it, but im just tired of doing so. oh well…. im off to nap…

Madly Insane?

ivorymae — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 04:16:48 +0000

So today I applied for three new jobs and hopefully they will all turn out to be good perspective future jobs. Things at work have really started to get unbelievably toxic and negative. One of the managers pissed off another employee and told him to go buy a case of beer to cool down like he did last time she pissed him off. His response to her was “why don’t i go kill myself”. Her sarcasm is getting so out of hand and ridiculous that something needs to change. I can’t say anything to my boss because he will flip out and say don’t worry about it, its none of your business. Well i just want to tell him, “Fuck you! if it is affecting one of my friends to the point of suicide threats, then it affects me!” But i know that if i do that, he will come back with the same phrase he has used before, “Well i don’t see a problem, and she (the manager that is pissing off another employee) seems fine to me. Quit tattling and act you’re age.” I AM SO SICK OF ALL THE BULL SHIT THAT GETS THROWN AROUND AT WORK AND THE HYPOCRISY, ESPECIALLY FROM OUR MAIN GENERAL MANAGER!!!!! I am so pissed that he preaches all these wonderful things that everyone should be doing and how things should be run, and how everyone should behave when he really doesn’t follow any of what he says.

On a different note, I saw my therapist yesterday and had her read some clips out of my auto biography that i had to write for one of my classes. It had to be 45 freaking pages long by the way. Any who, the clips consisted of how i tried to kill myself 3 different times, my self-image issues, my tendencies towards self-mutilation, the death of my grandparents who i was extremely close with, and an event that happened last summer that shouldn’t have. She first asked me when i had last cut… well it was just this last saturday….. then she read on to finnish the rest of the clips and started into my self-image issues, which didn’t go so bad. Then she got into the event of last summer and kept on telling me that it wasn’t my fault over and over and that i did what i could. I don’t know if i entirely believe it yet though, that it isn’t my fault. And then she moved on to the tough one, my grandparents. When she started to talk about them and tried to discuss with me what i wrote, i couldn’t speak. Never in all of the sessions that i have had with her have i ever teared up or cried, but this time i started to tear up. I think now she has all the pieces, or at least most of the pieces, to my puzzle. She would keep asking me if i was eating okay or if i was losing weight or any of those kinds of questions, and my reply was always no. I lied all those times, but i finally told her through my auto-bio what really was going on. I think now that she has all the pieces, she can finally help me get to the root of my illness and battle against depression and anxiety and maybe finally help me to be able to say that i am truly happy. As of now, I CAN NOT SAY THAT I AM TRULY HAPPY. i can’t say it out loud at all, nor say it truthfully if i am forced to say that i am. Right now at this point the only things that make me happy are my dog and my best friend. The things that keep me from going off the deep end and keep me from thinking about suicide at times are my great aunt and great uncle, my little sister, my best friend and good friends, and my dog.

Well i lost my train of thought and i need to go to bed anyways. On to a new post later on.

Sleep Deprivation=Memory lapses

ivorymae — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 03:28:43 +0000

Yeah, i know, second post in one day… i think… im so sleep deprived from getting up at 5 am to babysit that every day blends into the next and the events of each day are a total blur as to when they happened and how. im starting to get so confused with what day it is. one of the big kickers of being sleep deprived is when i get really angry from an argument or a chewing out, i forget my age and some other rhetorical information. i dont know what’s happening to me. honestly i think that im just really tired and lacking sleep, which is really messing me up. i need to talk to my therapist but she’s usually really busy at the end of the week. i feel almost like im going nuts. after my boss chewed me out, i wanted to cut to badly… it was one of the strongest urges i have felt in a long time (no worries, i didnt do it). god, my memory is going to shit too with me being so tired and stressed/depressed all the time.

my dog got fixed today and had his duclaws removed. the poor little guy is in so much pain that he can barely move. i feel so bad, i wish i could take his pain so he can be the active little pain free guy again. its hard seeing my baby puppy in so much pain and knowing i cant do anything to help. he just looks up at me with his sad eyes that start to fill with tears (yes real tears… my dog actually cries) then five min later the hair around his eyes are soaked and dripping.

well im really tired and about to pass out on my keyboard.

Fighting at Work and With-in

ivorymae — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:04:03 +0000

so this last week has been a pretty tough one for me. i’ve relapsed, but not as bad as it has been before and my boss chewed me out again for the second time since ive been working there for 3 years. the first time he chewed me out was two months ago… now im wondering if i should keep this job or if all the humiliation and put downs are worth it. I want to find a new job so badly because im so tired of all the drama and the shit and all the hectic, chaotic days. everyone likes to make fun of someone else behind their back… hello!!! most of us are grown up mature adults that are not in high school now… or so most of us say/think. i just feel like sadness has melted over me and smothered out all the sun light. nothing right now could make me happy or smile, except for my two dogs. im so sick of life – my job where shit continues every day and gossip and rumors spread, living in a small windowless room in a cold basement, constantly being surrounded by others when i just want to be left alone. i never thought that i would sink this low in a relapse. at least i have tomorrow off.

on a brighter side, i was motivated enough to go for a run and get out for a little bit, and tomorrow is my day off. well off to bed to start another day all over again.

The Result of a Letter

ivorymae — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:02:08 +0000

Today I guess i feel kinda depressed. I feel like there is something missing and i think that is the deteriorated friendship of a friend whom helped me a lot through my problems. I wrote a letter to him saying that I miss the old him and that it’s too painful to think about him and how he use to be because he is a totally different person now. At the end of the letter i told him that i guess that this is good-bye and when he read that he started to cry! Just from this i know that our friendship has to mean something to him but his other withdrawn actions say different. He told me that being in a different city with his new job and monster load of responsibilities is making him depressed and lethargic, and i completely understand that its hard to reach out when you’re that low. I’ve been there. Hell, one time I was battling back and forth with myself over suicide and was paralyzed by my own emotions and thoughts. I wanted to call him just to hear a caring voice on the other end, someone to distract me, but i was so low that i couldn’t do it. I had my phone in my hand but still couldn’t dial the number. Well, i have someone bugging me now and need to go.

A Withdrawn Friend

ivorymae — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 02:57:20 +0000

Yesterday was good, and things seemed to be going really well. . . Too well to be true. Today revealed this as true. I thought that i was going to be getting another dog, but the owner of the humane society told me that my dog had to be fixed first and then he would think about letting me adopt another dog. The little FUCKER said that in such a rude tone and then hung up after saying that. OOOOOHHHH am i sooooo pissed! Things were looking like they were going in the right direction and that things might actually be looking up for once, but i cant believe that i was gullible enough to believe that. Things that are good and exciting and something that i know that i really want to strive for, just dont happen. Maybe there is a reason for that, i dont know. As long as i can keep going to school, stay in touch with my good friends, keep my dog healthy, and do good with what i have, that’s really all i care about.

Today, i saw an old friend. He was the one who initially helped me by listening (he was the first person i told about my depression, anxiety, ect.) and became a great friend. Well he moved away last summer and did a complete 180 and turned into the biggest, insensitive, ass hole i’ve ever met. i still can believe that it is the same person physically, but if i were to have met him today and not recognized him physically, then i would not know that it was him. he changed so much and is not the same person that i knew. that person is gone. that just kills me knowing that that friend i knew is never coming back. before he moved away, he gave me a necklace and told me it was a symbol of him and that no matter what, there is someone who will always care, him. now its a symbol of who he was and all the memories of his honest and true friendship. and now, its also so painful to look at the necklace, think about it or him, see him, and even more painful to talk to him. i think i have come to hate him. i know if this is causing me so much pain, that i should just let him go and forget about him, but part of me doesnt want to let go until he knows how much he has hurt me by completely withdrawing his end of the relationship. it may sound like i want to date him, and believe me, my therapist asked me that, but i have nor have had any kind of idea of that sort. Its just wrong to think that of a good friend and of someone who is 14 years older than i am. its disturbing not only to think that, but it disturbs me that someone, especially my therapist, would think that.

i think im done ranting, i need to get to bed. gotta get up at 5 am to babysit some kids who one of these kids does not like to get up in the morning and puts up a big fight through the whole morning. *blows a puff of air upward, rolls eyes, and sighs* i really hope this pays off at the end of the summer so i can buy my college books…..

Just Some Reflection and sighs venting.

ivorymae — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 04:13:01 +0000

Yeah, I know. It’s taken me forever to post a blog. This week hasn’t been too busy, but it has been kinda long and drawn out and blah. This last weekend I met some amazing people and i have every intention to keep in touch with them. I left Omaha in such a good mood from the weekend and being able to take off the mask that i have to keep on when i am around other people. Being with others who have similar issues was a huge release because i was able to open up and share my past and my diagnosis with out fear of rejection or stigmatization. being back at work on sunday night, i was in such a good mood, but that unfortunately didn’t last long. But back to the weekend; Saturday we learned how to handle “hot potatoes” in support groups. A topic came up where someone role played a person who was feeling suicidal and another was feeling urges to cut/self harm. Now, it’s not that i am feeling that way, but those role play situations brought back some memories of the past and hit a little too close to home. I know that i can deal with it when and if the situation comes up in a support group in the future, but the self-harm role play hit a little closer to home than the suicide (im over and done with that part of my past and have dealt with it, but the cutting is something that i’m still working on and getting better at). For the last 5 years I have self inflicted harm upon myself. The first 3 years were the worst where i was cutting almost every day to every other day. The 4th year i was able to stop for up to 2 or 3 weeks, and this last year i have managed to go 6 months but relapsed in january and made the most cuts at one time than i ever have. Since then it has been once a month and this last month i haven’t done anything, but the urges are still there. But anyway, i now have an increadable support system of great friends who i can go to if i just want to talk, joke around, or say hi. This weekend was incredible. Meeting new people who were so inspiring and fun to be with. We created such a close knit group, that we scared one of the trainers who had never seen so many people “click” so well and so fast! And god i would not give this last weekend up for anything! I would also do almost anything just to be able to do it again (minus a few details, those who knew, know what im talking about). But seeing as it is late, i must get to bed because i have to work in the morning. I will write more soon. (writing has helped so much with releasing these feelings).

Well the best of luck and serenity to everyone