A Withdrawn Friend June 10, 2008

Yesterday was good, and things seemed to be going really well. . . Too well to be true. Today revealed this as true. I thought that i was going to be getting another dog, but the owner of the humane society told me that my dog had to be fixed first and then he would think about letting me adopt another dog. The little FUCKER said that in such a rude tone and then hung up after saying that. OOOOOHHHH am i sooooo pissed! Things were looking like they were going in the right direction and that things might actually be looking up for once, but i cant believe that i was gullible enough to believe that. Things that are good and exciting and something that i know that i really want to strive for, just dont happen. Maybe there is a reason for that, i dont know. As long as i can keep going to school, stay in touch with my good friends, keep my dog healthy, and do good with what i have,  that’s really all i care about.

Today, i saw an old friend. He was the one who initially helped me by listening (he was the first person i told about my depression, anxiety, ect.) and became a great friend. Well he moved away last summer and did a complete 180 and turned into the biggest, insensitive, ass hole i’ve ever met. i still can believe that it is the same person physically, but if i were to have met him today and not recognized him physically, then i would not know that it was him. he changed so much and is not the same person that i knew. that person is gone. that just kills me knowing that that friend i knew is never coming back. before he moved away, he gave me a necklace and told me it was a symbol of him and that no matter what, there is someone who will always care, him. now its a symbol of who he was and all the memories of his honest and true friendship. and now, its also so painful to look at the necklace, think about it or him, see him, and even more painful to talk to him. i think i have come to hate him. i know if this is causing me so much pain, that i should just let him go and forget about him, but part of me doesnt want to let go until he knows how much he has hurt me by completely withdrawing his end of the relationship. it may sound like i want to date him, and believe me, my therapist asked me that, but i have nor have had any kind of idea of that sort. Its just wrong to think that of a good friend and of someone who is 14 years older than i am. its disturbing not only to think that, but it disturbs me that someone, especially my therapist, would think that.

i think im done ranting, i need to get to bed. gotta get up at 5 am to babysit some kids who one of these kids does not like to get up in the morning and puts up a big fight through the whole morning. *blows a puff of air upward, rolls eyes, and sighs* i really hope this pays off at the end of the summer so i can buy my college books…..

Just Some Reflection and *sighs* venting. June 6, 2008

Yeah, I know. It’s taken me forever to post a blog. This week hasn’t been too busy, but it has been kinda long and drawn out and blah. This last weekend I met some amazing people and i have every intention to keep in touch with them. I left Omaha in such a good mood from the weekend and being able to take off the mask that i have to keep on when i am around other people. Being with others who have similar issues was a huge release because i was able to open up and share my past and my diagnosis with out fear of rejection or stigmatization. being back at work on sunday night, i was in such a good mood, but that unfortunately didn’t last long. But back to the weekend; Saturday we learned how to handle “hot potatoes” in support groups. A topic came up where someone role played a person who was feeling suicidal and another was feeling urges to cut/self harm. Now, it’s not that i am feeling that way, but those role play situations brought back some memories of the past and hit a little too close to home. I know that i can deal with it when and if the situation comes up in a support group in the future, but the self-harm role play hit a little closer to home than the suicide (im over and done with that part of my past and have dealt with it, but the cutting is something that i’m still working on and getting better at). For the last 5 years I have self inflicted harm upon myself. The first 3 years were the worst where i was cutting almost every day to every other day. The 4th year i was able to stop for up to 2 or 3 weeks, and this last year i have managed to go 6 months but relapsed in january and made the most cuts at one time than i ever have. Since then it has been once a month and this last month i haven’t done anything, but the urges are still there. But anyway, i now have an increadable support system of great friends who i can go to if i just want to talk, joke around, or say hi. This weekend was incredible. Meeting new people who were so inspiring and fun to be with. We created such a close knit group, that we scared one of the trainers who had never seen so many people “click” so well and so fast! And god i would not give this last weekend up for anything! I would also do almost anything just to be able to do it again (minus a few details, those who knew, know what im talking about). But seeing as it is late, i must get to bed because i have to work in the morning. I will write more soon. (writing has helped so much with releasing these feelings).

Well the best of luck and serenity to everyone