So today I applied for three new jobs and hopefully they will all turn out to be good perspective future jobs. Things at work have really started to get unbelievably toxic and negative. One of the managers pissed off another employee and told him to go buy a case of beer to cool down like he did last time she pissed him off. His response to her was “why don’t i go kill myself”. Her sarcasm is getting so out of hand and ridiculous that something needs to change. I can’t say anything to my boss because he will flip out and say don’t worry about it, its none of your business. Well i just want to tell him, “Fuck you! if it is affecting one of my friends to the point of suicide threats, then it affects me!” But i know that if i do that, he will come back with the same phrase he has used before, “Well i don’t see a problem, and she (the manager that is pissing off another employee) seems fine to me. Quit tattling and act you’re age.” I AM SO SICK OF ALL THE BULL SHIT THAT GETS THROWN AROUND AT WORK AND THE HYPOCRISY, ESPECIALLY FROM OUR MAIN GENERAL MANAGER!!!!! I am so pissed that he preaches all these wonderful things that everyone should be doing and how things should be run, and how everyone should behave when he really doesn’t follow any of what he says.
On a different note, I saw my therapist yesterday and had her read some clips out of my auto biography that i had to write for one of my classes. It had to be 45 freaking pages long by the way. Any who, the clips consisted of how i tried to kill myself 3 different times, my self-image issues, my tendencies towards self-mutilation, the death of my grandparents who i was extremely close with, and an event that happened last summer that shouldn’t have. She first asked me when i had last cut… well it was just this last saturday….. then she read on to finnish the rest of the clips and started into my self-image issues, which didn’t go so bad. Then she got into the event of last summer and kept on telling me that it wasn’t my fault over and over and that i did what i could. I don’t know if i entirely believe it yet though, that it isn’t my fault. And then she moved on to the tough one, my grandparents. When she started to talk about them and tried to discuss with me what i wrote, i couldn’t speak. Never in all of the sessions that i have had with her have i ever teared up or cried, but this time i started to tear up. I think now she has all the pieces, or at least most of the pieces, to my puzzle. She would keep asking me if i was eating okay or if i was losing weight or any of those kinds of questions, and my reply was always no. I lied all those times, but i finally told her through my auto-bio what really was going on. I think now that she has all the pieces, she can finally help me get to the root of my illness and battle against depression and anxiety and maybe finally help me to be able to say that i am truly happy. As of now, I CAN NOT SAY THAT I AM TRULY HAPPY. i can’t say it out loud at all, nor say it truthfully if i am forced to say that i am. Right now at this point the only things that make me happy are my dog and my best friend. The things that keep me from going off the deep end and keep me from thinking about suicide at times are my great aunt and great uncle, my little sister, my best friend and good friends, and my dog.
Well i lost my train of thought and i need to go to bed anyways. On to a new post later on.
