On the road to help July 15, 2008

Okay, so friday was awesome! I got to hang out with great friends and be me. I got to take off my mask and not be afraid of judgement. But after a great day at the lakes, i come home and find another nasty note from my mother waiting for me in my room. She basically said that my dog needs to shape up and i need to put him in his “cage” (i hate that word, i prefer kennel) all the time. First of all, he doesnt need to shape up because he is very mature for a puppy. Really mature! And second, it’s inhumane to keep an animal locked up in a “cage” all the time. They need to be out to exercise, to run and play, to be petted and played with, and to socialize. And i just realized that by living in my parents house, i am living in a cage. They try to treat me as if i am still 10, but im not. I’m almost 20 and almost fully independent of them (im still dependent on health insurance and home insurance for my personal belongings). But she also said that if i dont follow their rules, (THEIR RULES!!! IM AN ADULT NOW!) they will get rid of my dog while im at work one day. My dog is really about the only thing that makes me smile anymore. I don’t draw, i don’t do my photography anymore, i dont write my poetry anymore, i dont do anything anymore. have i relapsed? or am i just stressed out and exhausted from dealing with my family life? I know that they can be a trigger for my depression, but i never knew that just my mom could be such a threatening trigger. 

Next, are some issues that are really hard for me to talk about, and there is no need for alarm, so please, please, dont freak out when you read what follows. 

On a different note, i saw my gp doc today and he’s been the one prescribing my meds. Well my therapist told me that i should let him in on my past history with depression and such. well i told him about how i tried to commit suicide 3 different times a year and a half ago (no worries, no such problems now) and that i started using self-mutilation/cutting as a frequent method of release at the beginning of my freshman year of high school, and still use it to this day but less often (more along the lines of every few months as opposed to the every few days i was doing it 4 to 5 years ago). i think that kinda freaked him out. he asked where i had done them (my upper arms and high up on my thighs) wanted to check the cuts i had already made and so he did. he saw my most recent one, and then looked at my other arm for more and all he said was yeah i can see you’ve done this before. He also checked my back and my legs but didn’t see the ones on my thigh cuz those, as well as my other ones, have completely healed. all that is left of them are faint, pale scars that blend in with my pale skin. he, as well as the few others who know, have been really concerned, and to me, the cutting is something i have grown used to. I dont mean to say that im not ashamed of what i do, because i really terribly am, but sometimes its the only way i can find relief. and again, no worries, because i havent used this for quite some time, nor do i plan on using it any time soon.

this is such a hard topic for me to talk about, so please dont be freaked out. it is part of the darker/darkest part of my past. again, please dont freak out. 

well, it is getting late and i need to be up for work in the morning, and i have yet to take a shower. g’ night.

oh, p.s. i do have an appointment with my therapist thursday and im working on setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist. 

Laughing? July 9, 2008

I just can’t figure out what is going on with me. I just can’t laugh at anything, no matter how funny. yeah sure i can get a chuckle out or maybe a few giggles, but that’s it. Well, not much to say, or just not motivated enough to do so…. I need to call my therapist and set up a time to see her next week. so much shit has happened this week, and i know that i can handle it, but im just tired of doing so. oh well…. im off to nap…

Madly Insane? July 2, 2008

So today I applied for three new jobs and hopefully they will all turn out to be good perspective future jobs. Things at work have really started to get unbelievably toxic and negative. One of the managers pissed off another employee and told him to go buy a case of beer to cool down like he did last time she pissed him off. His response to her was “why don’t i go kill myself”. Her sarcasm is getting so out of hand and ridiculous that something needs to change. I can’t say anything to my boss because he will flip out and say don’t worry about it, its none of your business. Well i just want to tell him, “Fuck you! if it is affecting one of my friends to the point of suicide threats, then it affects me!” But i know that if i do that, he will come back with the same phrase he has used before, “Well i don’t see a problem, and she (the manager that is pissing off another employee) seems fine to me. Quit tattling and act you’re age.” I AM SO SICK OF ALL THE BULL SHIT THAT GETS THROWN AROUND AT WORK AND THE HYPOCRISY, ESPECIALLY FROM OUR MAIN GENERAL MANAGER!!!!! I am so pissed that he preaches all these wonderful things that everyone should be doing and how things should be run, and how everyone should behave when he really doesn’t follow any of what he says. 

On a different note, I saw my therapist yesterday and had her read some clips out of my auto biography that i had to write for one of my classes. It had to be 45 freaking pages long by the way. Any who, the clips consisted of how i tried to kill myself 3 different times, my self-image issues, my tendencies towards self-mutilation, the death of my grandparents who i was extremely close with, and an event that happened last summer that shouldn’t have. She first asked me when i had last cut… well it was just this last saturday….. then she read on to finnish the rest of the clips and started into my self-image issues, which didn’t go so bad. Then she got into the event of last summer and kept on telling me that it wasn’t my fault over and over and that i did what i could. I don’t know if i entirely believe it yet though, that it isn’t my fault. And then she moved on to the tough one, my grandparents. When she started to talk about them and tried to discuss with me what i wrote, i couldn’t speak. Never in all of the sessions that i have had with her have i ever teared up or cried, but this time i started to tear up. I think now she has all the pieces, or at least most of the pieces, to my puzzle. She would keep asking me if i was eating okay or if i was losing weight or any of those kinds of questions, and my reply was always no. I lied all those times, but i finally told her through my auto-bio what really was going on. I think now that she has all the pieces, she can finally help me get to the root of my illness and battle against depression and anxiety and maybe finally help me to be able to say that i am truly happy. As of now, I CAN NOT SAY THAT I AM TRULY HAPPY. i can’t say it out loud at all, nor say it truthfully if i am forced to say that i am. Right now at this point the only things that make me happy are my dog and my best friend. The things that keep me from going off the deep end and keep me from thinking about suicide at times are my great aunt and great uncle, my little sister, my best friend and good friends, and my dog. 

Well i lost my train of thought and i need to go to bed anyways. On to a new post later on.