Sleep Deprivation=Memory lapses June 25, 2008

Yeah, i know, second post in one day… i think… im so sleep deprived from getting up at 5 am to babysit that every day blends into the next and the events of each day are a total blur as to when they happened and how. im starting to get so confused with what day it is. one of the big kickers of being sleep deprived is when i get really angry from an argument or a chewing out, i forget my age and some other rhetorical information. i dont know what’s happening to me. honestly i think that im just really tired and lacking sleep, which is really messing me up. i need to talk to my therapist but she’s usually really busy at the end of the week. i feel almost like im going nuts.  after my boss chewed me out, i wanted to cut to badly… it was one of the strongest urges i have felt in a long time (no worries, i didnt do it). god, my memory is going to shit too with me being so tired and stressed/depressed all the time. 

my dog got fixed today and had his duclaws removed. the poor little guy is in so much pain that he can barely move. i feel so bad, i wish i could take his pain so he can be the active little pain free guy again. its hard seeing my baby puppy in so much pain and knowing i cant do anything to help. he just looks up at me with his sad eyes that start to fill with tears (yes real tears… my dog actually cries) then five min later the hair around his eyes are soaked and dripping. 

well im really tired and about to pass out on my keyboard. 

Fighting at Work and With-in June 24, 2008

so this last week has been a pretty tough one for me. i’ve relapsed, but not as bad as it has been before and my boss chewed me out again for the second time since ive been working there for 3 years. the first time he chewed me out was two months ago… now im wondering if i should keep this job or if all the humiliation and put downs are worth it. I want to find a new job so badly because im so tired of all the drama and the shit and all the hectic, chaotic days. everyone likes to make fun of someone else behind their back… hello!!! most of us are grown up mature adults that are not in high school now… or so most of us say/think. i just feel like sadness has melted over me and smothered out all the sun light. nothing right now could make me happy or smile, except for my two dogs. im so sick of life – my job where shit continues every day and gossip and rumors spread, living in a small windowless room in a cold basement, constantly being surrounded by others when i just want to be left alone. i never thought that i would sink this low in a relapse. at least i have tomorrow off.

on a brighter side, i was motivated enough to go for a run and get out for a little bit, and tomorrow is my day off. well off to bed to start another day all over again.

The Result of a Letter June 18, 2008

Today I guess i feel kinda depressed. I feel like there is something missing and i think that is the deteriorated friendship of a friend whom helped me a lot through my problems. I wrote a letter to him saying that I miss the old him and that it’s too painful to think about him and how he use to be because he is a totally different person now. At the end of the letter i told him that i guess that this is good-bye and when he read that he started to cry! Just from this i know that our friendship has to mean something to him but his other withdrawn actions say different. He told me that being in a different city with his new job and monster load of responsibilities is making him depressed and lethargic, and i completely understand that its hard to reach out when you’re that low. I’ve been there. Hell, one time I was battling back and forth with myself over suicide and was paralyzed by my own emotions and thoughts. I wanted to call him just to hear a caring voice on the other end, someone to distract me, but i was so low that i couldn’t do it. I had my phone in my hand but still couldn’t dial the number. Well, i have someone bugging me now and need to go.

A Withdrawn Friend June 10, 2008

Yesterday was good, and things seemed to be going really well. . . Too well to be true. Today revealed this as true. I thought that i was going to be getting another dog, but the owner of the humane society told me that my dog had to be fixed first and then he would think about letting me adopt another dog. The little FUCKER said that in such a rude tone and then hung up after saying that. OOOOOHHHH am i sooooo pissed! Things were looking like they were going in the right direction and that things might actually be looking up for once, but i cant believe that i was gullible enough to believe that. Things that are good and exciting and something that i know that i really want to strive for, just dont happen. Maybe there is a reason for that, i dont know. As long as i can keep going to school, stay in touch with my good friends, keep my dog healthy, and do good with what i have,  that’s really all i care about.

Today, i saw an old friend. He was the one who initially helped me by listening (he was the first person i told about my depression, anxiety, ect.) and became a great friend. Well he moved away last summer and did a complete 180 and turned into the biggest, insensitive, ass hole i’ve ever met. i still can believe that it is the same person physically, but if i were to have met him today and not recognized him physically, then i would not know that it was him. he changed so much and is not the same person that i knew. that person is gone. that just kills me knowing that that friend i knew is never coming back. before he moved away, he gave me a necklace and told me it was a symbol of him and that no matter what, there is someone who will always care, him. now its a symbol of who he was and all the memories of his honest and true friendship. and now, its also so painful to look at the necklace, think about it or him, see him, and even more painful to talk to him. i think i have come to hate him. i know if this is causing me so much pain, that i should just let him go and forget about him, but part of me doesnt want to let go until he knows how much he has hurt me by completely withdrawing his end of the relationship. it may sound like i want to date him, and believe me, my therapist asked me that, but i have nor have had any kind of idea of that sort. Its just wrong to think that of a good friend and of someone who is 14 years older than i am. its disturbing not only to think that, but it disturbs me that someone, especially my therapist, would think that.

i think im done ranting, i need to get to bed. gotta get up at 5 am to babysit some kids who one of these kids does not like to get up in the morning and puts up a big fight through the whole morning. *blows a puff of air upward, rolls eyes, and sighs* i really hope this pays off at the end of the summer so i can buy my college books…..

Just Some Reflection and *sighs* venting. June 6, 2008

Yeah, I know. It’s taken me forever to post a blog. This week hasn’t been too busy, but it has been kinda long and drawn out and blah. This last weekend I met some amazing people and i have every intention to keep in touch with them. I left Omaha in such a good mood from the weekend and being able to take off the mask that i have to keep on when i am around other people. Being with others who have similar issues was a huge release because i was able to open up and share my past and my diagnosis with out fear of rejection or stigmatization. being back at work on sunday night, i was in such a good mood, but that unfortunately didn’t last long. But back to the weekend; Saturday we learned how to handle “hot potatoes” in support groups. A topic came up where someone role played a person who was feeling suicidal and another was feeling urges to cut/self harm. Now, it’s not that i am feeling that way, but those role play situations brought back some memories of the past and hit a little too close to home. I know that i can deal with it when and if the situation comes up in a support group in the future, but the self-harm role play hit a little closer to home than the suicide (im over and done with that part of my past and have dealt with it, but the cutting is something that i’m still working on and getting better at). For the last 5 years I have self inflicted harm upon myself. The first 3 years were the worst where i was cutting almost every day to every other day. The 4th year i was able to stop for up to 2 or 3 weeks, and this last year i have managed to go 6 months but relapsed in january and made the most cuts at one time than i ever have. Since then it has been once a month and this last month i haven’t done anything, but the urges are still there. But anyway, i now have an increadable support system of great friends who i can go to if i just want to talk, joke around, or say hi. This weekend was incredible. Meeting new people who were so inspiring and fun to be with. We created such a close knit group, that we scared one of the trainers who had never seen so many people “click” so well and so fast! And god i would not give this last weekend up for anything! I would also do almost anything just to be able to do it again (minus a few details, those who knew, know what im talking about). But seeing as it is late, i must get to bed because i have to work in the morning. I will write more soon. (writing has helped so much with releasing these feelings).

Well the best of luck and serenity to everyone